How to Mentally Prepare for a Difficult Conversation

How to Mentally Prepare for a Difficult Conversation





How to Mentally Prepare for a Difficult Conversation





Your colleague sent you a passive-aggressive email and you want to sit down and address it face to face. Or perhaps you’ve got some tough feedback you need to give to a coworker. Or maybe you’ve decided to discuss some growing tension on your team with your boss. When you’ve resolved to talk through a difficulty with a colleague, it’s tempting to have the conversation immediately. No better time than the present, right? Well, not quite. When you’re talking about a conflict, emotions often run high and going into the conversation cold may set you up for an unproductive, contentious debate. Taking time to prepare mentally will help you remain calm, increase the chances that the conversation will go smoothly, and improve the ultimate solution.



You’ll also want to think about the logistics (where and when you meet) and your strategy (how will you frame the problem and what you’ll say first). But getting ready emotionally is perhaps the most important work you need to do before you get into the room. Here are a few things you can go do to get ready.



Check your mindset. If you’re getting ready for a discussion you’ve labeled “difficult,” you may be feeling nervous, stressed, angry, or upset about it ahead of time. To minimize those negative emotions, try to think about it as a regular conversation and frame it in a positive way. For example, instead of giving a negative performance review, you’re having a constructive conversation about development. Or you’re not saying “no” to your boss; you’re offering up an alternative solution.



This isn’t sugarcoating. Be honest with yourself about how hard the conversation might be, but also put as constructive a frame on it as possible. You might tell yourself: It will be a normal discussion, and we may have to talk about difficult things, but we’ll work through them together because Carol and I have always respected each other.



And focus on what you stand to gain from the conversation. “Assume you have something to learn; assume there is a more creative solution than you’ve thought of,” says Jeff Weiss, a partner at Vantage Partners, a Boston-based consultancy specializing in corporate negotiations and relationship management, and author of the HBR Guide to Negotiating. By entering the discussion with an open mind, regardless of your coworker’s stance, you’re more likely to find common ground.



See the situation from your counterpart’s perspective. Try to get a sense of what your colleague might be thinking. She had a rationale for the way she’s behaved so far, even if you don’t agree with it. What might that reason be? Imagine you’re in her shoes. Ask yourself questions like: What would I do if I were her, or if I were in R&D instead of marketing? What if I were someone reporting to me? What if I were my boss?



Also ask yourself: What is she trying to achieve? You’ll need a sense of what her goal is if you want to resolve it. Identify places where you see eye to eye on the issues. This common ground will give you a foundation to joint problem-solve.



If you’re at a loss, ask a colleague what he thinks is going on in your counterpart’s mind. You might say something like, “I’d love some advice and coaching. I haven’t worked much with Akiko before, but I know you have. Can you help me understand how she might be seeing this situation?” Don’t use the conversation to seek validation. “Paint the situation for him as neutrally as you can,” says Karen Dillon, author of the HBR Guide to Office Politics. “Cataloging every fault and misstep will probably get you sympathy but not constructive feedback, so focus on the problem.”



And you won’t know everything ahead of time, so come up with a list of questions you want to ask when you sit down with your counterpart. This will help you, once you’re face-to-face, to show that you care enough about her perspective to think it through beforehand and to discover more about how she views the situation.



Vent. Before you get into the room, find a trusted colleague or a spouse or friend who can listen to you complain. Say everything you feel about the situation — the good, the bad, and the ugly. Don’t hold back. Be careful who you choose to vent to, though. You don’t want to go to the friend who just riles you up. Find someone who has a calming presence and will ask helpful questions.



Susan David, a psychologist and coauthor of the Harvard Business Review article Emotional Agility, says that “suppressing your emotions — deciding not to say something when you’re upset—can lead to bad results.” She explains that if you don’t express your emotions, they’re likely to show up elsewhere. Psychologists call this emotional leakage. “Have you ever yelled at your spouse or child after a frustrating day at work—a frustration that had nothing to do with him or her? When you bottle up your feelings, you’re likely to express your emotions in unintended ways instead, either sarcastically or in a completely different context. Suppressing your emotions is associated with poor memory, difficulties in relationships, and physiological costs (such as cardiovascular health problems),” David explains. Prevent your emotions from seeping out — in the conversation or at home — by getting your feelings out ahead of time. That way, you’ll be more centered and calm when you’re having the discussion.



You may be wondering, Do I really need to do this for one 10-minute conversation? While it takes some time (though it will get easier the more you do it), there is a huge payoff. You’ll go into the conversation with the right mindset, feeling confident, knowing what you want to achieve.



This article was adapted from the HBR Guide to Managing Conflict at Work.